The other day, I was telling my friend, Tina, about a nightmare that I had the previous night. It was a lengthy story and we laughed in the end. Then, a few days later, I realized that it was also a dream. I’ve never told anybody about the nightmare, which reminded me of “No Reason,” one of the episodes from the medical TV series House. In the episode, the protagonist couldn’t separate fact from fiction, as hallucinations began to get a stronger grasp on his sense of reality. In order to snap out of his hallucination, he decided to kill a guy with the facility’s surgical robot. I had a similar experience when I was a kid. In my dream, I couldn’t end nightmares no matter how hard I tried, so to get out of the insanity, I tried killing myself, but I couldn’t because it was a dream after all. I was 100% immortal in my dreams.

I don’t know theories of dreaming, but I know that my dreams are always affected by my reality.

Why do I have to live?

I was exhausted by being a sick child.  I kept asking myself over and over at the time. After the intense nightmare, I reached the conclusion;

I live because I can’t kill myself.

Lately I dream a lot. In general, my dreams are vivid and colorful. Oftentimes I can tell that it’s not real while I’m having a dream, and when I sense the dream going south, I try changing the narration (that’s a long story for another time). But I cannot tell the recent dreams because they’re so natural.It’s still February, but 2021 is so mean! You can call me a drama queen, but this year already looks depressing to me. When I started thinking that I should feel self-pity and go dark for the rest of the year, I got a call from my friend.

Miyo, do you need a ride? If we open all the windows fully and wear a mask, we should be fine.

I was struck by her offer. Knowing that she hasn’t let anybody step inside her house since last March, her offer to share such a small space with me must’ve been a huge deal for her. I thanked her, but said no.

The following week, a few hours before the 2/14 meeting, I got a call from another friend.

Miyo, come and stay with me as long or short as needed. This can be your new territory, but just say yes.

Her unexpected offer broke me down. Am I hallucinating? Or is this real? I guess it doesn’t matter because even if it’s a dream, it’s not a nightmare that I need to escape from. One after another, somebody has brightened my days with their texts, emails, calls, cards, and care-gifts.

Sipping a glass of water and listening to birds chirping in my friend’s backyard, the feelings of thankfulness keep on overflowing and don’t stop.

I live…maybe not because I can’t kill myself but because I’m worthy.